I met Connie in the College and Career group at Rosemont Baptist.  I was College: a freshman,  She was a Career: a college graduate working as a Physical Therapist.  One night after a Bible Study at John Wilkerson‘s house, Connie and I took a walk and somewhere along SpringHill Drive we kissed. A budding theologian, I asked: “What does this mean?” The Wise Woman, She was and is, Connie suggested: “Maybe we should go on a date?”  We fell into friendship long before we fell in love. I loved how Connie commandeered a cafeteria tray to go sledding during lunch. In the South, you never know how long snow will stick around. She taught me to love snow cream, Halloween, and campfires. Connie was not afraid to sleep in a tent, ride the New York subway after midnight,  or go on any adventure without a plan. As Mom and I washed the dishes after meeting Connie, mother said, “I like this girl”.  Not with theological arguments but by witnessing Connie love all her neighbors, she led me to new theological insights: “God is love. There is no fear in love. Love neighbors. Love strangers. Love enemies.” ( 1 John 4 & Matthew 5-7)  Connie helped me to remove the judgy, rigid theological blinders that sorted people into fixed categories like “unrighteous and redeemed” or “sinners and saints”. (Matt 7).  

While I was still telling her, “I more than liked you”, Mom and I attended my grandmother’s elderly sister’s funeral. I had only known Aunt Leley and Uncle Jesse when they were homebound, living in an excessively warm farmhouse heated by a single ancient  coal-fired Franklin stove that percolated coffee all day long. The Preacher preached from Proverbs 31, speaking of Aunt Leley’s faith and life amid hard-pressing poverty.  When the preacher shifted to the “let’s get everybody is saved” part of the funeral sermon, I slid into holy daydreaming around Proverbs 31.  “Her mouth is full of wisdom, kindness is on her tongue. She stretches out her hand to those in need. She is clothed with strength, honor and valor. Her arms are powerful like Michelle Obamas. She does not fear when it snows, she grabs a cafeteria tray and goes sledding. She delights her pediatric patients by making snowmen and almost gets written up.  The teenage girls in my youth group adore her.  My friends wonder why she dates me. My parents smile when they see her.  During that funeral, for the first time, I thought wow,  Connie is “a woman of valor.”  She is strong, courageous, kind, compassionate and more than my equal.  Perhaps, it would be wise to risk entrusting my heart to her and maybe weaving our lives together.    

Despite the way some traditionalists use Proverb 31 and other verses to cast women into binary gender roles, our text disrupts those notions, painting a picture of a queen who can do anything the king can do.  In verse one, we hear how Queen Lemun taught her son the characteristics of a good spouse. She used an acrostic.  Our English translations miss the folksy charm of an ABC poem. Q, V,X and Z stretch the poet. However, Queen Lemun’s ABC’s of Courting helped the future king remember his mother’s advice.    

• A woman of valor, A trusted soul mate, search for a partner who can    
• Be a Boss.  Who  
• Children praise. Who    
• Deserves the praise of the patriarchy sitting around the city gates. Who  
• Embodies courage, confidence, competence and grit. Who
• Fears nothing but the Lord. Who 
• Gets up early and gets to work. Who 
• Has strong arms. Who 
• Inspires others. Who  
• Just gets stuff done. Who has 
• Kindness on her tongue. Who 
• Leads. Who 
• Makes good decisions. Who 
• Never creates unnecessary trouble. Who 
• Opens her hands to poor people.  Who is
• Praised by your peers. Who is 
• Qualified, and   
• Ready to run a vineyard, market, fleet, farm, or kingdom.
• She is comfortable in her own skin, she doesn’t need you to be fulfilled. They are
• Trustworthy, 
• Understanding, and 
• Vigilant. 
• Wisdom flows from her lips. They  
• eXceeds rubies and gold.  And Z, she  
• Zeros in on what really matters in life!  

A good acrostic is hard to find, but such an exercise might help us notice what is not praised in the Proverbs 31 Woman. The Proverb never gives women some secondary status, or tells them to submit to their husbands, or to be silent in church. Neither did Jesus. Jesus talked theology with his friend’s Mary and Martha and on Easter Jesus commissioned Magdalene, Joana and Salome to preach to Peter, James and John. (Matthew 28 & John 11) Friends, Queens do not silently submit. Queen Esther ended genocide. Deborah rallied the nation. Mary, the Christ-Bearer, prophesied and raised “the Savior of the World”.   

Proverb’s 31 only mentions beauty, charm, and a demure style as unimportant. What matters in any queen or soul-level friend is “being girded with strength and competence… She is not afraid… Strength and dignity are her clothing. She laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, kindness is on her tongue. Give her a share in the fruit of her hands, and praise her works.” These values are not binary nor gendered, indeed such binary gender roles hinder good marriages by placing ill-fitting and false expectations into a relationship. I thank the Lord our boys take after their mother when it comes to math and many other skills!    

In Ephesians 5, Paul espouses some fairly traditional views. Paul tells husbands to love their wives as deeply as Christ loves the church. However, it feels like Paul rereads what he just wrote, having no backspace, then adds a clarifying note: “This is a great mystery, but I am speaking about Christ and the church.”  

Binary gender roles can blind us to God’s transforming power. The Crown Mother knew kings like Solomon or David entered into hundreds of royal marriages hoping these royal weddings would solidify international relations and secure peace and trade. Perhaps the Crown Mother had experienced the disruption of moving to a foreign land to become queen.  She wanted her son to share life with a good partner- a woman of valor. Scholars tell us the Hebrew “capable wife” can be rendered “woman of valor” like King David’s “Mighty Men”, which were an inner circle of ambassadors, generals and confidants. Women of Valor, Mighty Men are people you can count on in life’s tough spots.  A few years ago, I read 1 Samuel 20 at a party celebrating the Christian marriage of two men from our church. I shared the verses where David and Jonathon kissed each other, swore their love to each other, and made a covenant before God together.  Friends, Love is Love and binary notions just make it harder to entrust our hearts to each other.  When we think we have to “be a man” or “act ladylike” we walk around in ill-fitting suits or  binding dresses, instead of simply seeking to be who God created us to be. Listen, I can repair our tractor and weep at some syrupy Tic-Toc: why would anyone care?  We need to remember that Jesus never married and neither did the Apostle Paul. However, Paul’s ministry is always linked to a partner, who Paul traveled and shared ministry with: Paul and Barnabas, Paul and Silas, and Paul and Timothy. Additionally, Jesus tells us “there is no marriage in heaven”, but something more deeply spiritual and mysterious. (Matthew 22) I am not sure what that means but I believe God’s love is boundless, astounding, and inclusive.   

In May our General Conference removed 52 years of harmful excluding language around marriage and human sexuality. With the binary law removed, we are now freer to ponder the real heart of human relationships. In the last minutes of the legislative session, we added a new standard for clergy including: “social responsibility and faithful sexual intimacy expressed through fidelity, monogamy, commitment, mutual affection, and respect, careful and honest communication, mutual consent, and growth in grace and in the knowledge and love of God.” Moving past prohibitions we have a positive word for the world.  Boards of Ministry will no longer ask “are you a self-avowed practicing homosexual?”, but instead do you practice social responsibility, faithfulness, fidelity, monogamy, commitment, mutual affection, respect, careful and honest communication, mutual consent, and growth in grace and in the knowledge and love of God? I wished 29 years ago they had asked how my marriage fostered grace and the knowledge and love of God in my home! Do I praise her, do I see their strengths, can we trust our hearts to one another, are we helping each other grow in grace, commitment, consent, affection, communication, honor, and God’s love?  May we all be women of valor, capable queens, strong, kind, generous, compassionate, courageous, capable, and wise. Amen.